“Thank God we are not allowed to see the future. How often we would seek to change the course, not realizing the need for such opposition…” – Lance Richardson, The Message.
In the fall of 2015 I moved to California and lived in my car for an entire year. Now, before you go feeling sorry for me while picturing cramming my 6’-6” frame into a small car, or for being homeless at all, know that it was a four-door Jeep, so I could stretch out almost entirely with the seats folded down, and that I chose to live that way despite many offers to share an apartment with good roommates.
There are a few reasons I chose to live this way. First: I always wanted to live in California but could not afford it. And during the previous 6 years since my divorce I made every excuse, and found every reason why I could not do so. I dated someone off-and-on for the previous 5 years and I was afraid to lose her if I moved away, but things weren’t progressing so we went our separate ways and I decided to quit letting that fear hold me back. Mostly, I worried about my daughter and our bi-weekly visits. I didn’t want to miss important life events, or for her to miss me. But even then, that was a fear which I could sense was holding me back, and realistically I could call her often and still come home to visit her when I needed to.
Second: I worked selling smart-home security systems for Vivint, and some months the sales were great, while others were not so great. So I never knew exactly what my income situation would be and I didn’t want to be “that roommate” asking my landlord to spare me a couple more weeks if I fell behind due to a bad couple weeks in sales. I’ve never been that guy. I wouldn’t allow myself to burden my roommates that way.
When I hit the road for California, I didn’t know where I was going to live or how I was going to survive. I didn’t even know if I would have a technician from Vivint who would be willing to follow me around and install my sales at a moment’s notice, since I sold by going door-to-door it was important that it be installed instantly, otherwise I’d lose the sale. There were a lot of things I didn’t know. But one thing I did know. I was done with excuses and done with fears that were holding me back. In short, I squashed every excuse that had been holding me back for years. I took the leap and moved to California, accepting the ‘unknowns’.
The first three months were the hardest, considering that it was near the holidays in winter, and even California gets cold overnight. I would wake up frequently throughout the night, cold and dampened by condensation that gathered from my breath collecting inside the windows of the jeep. I admit, even with my firm resolve, there were days and nights when I asked myself what the hell I was doing there and it was tempting more than once to just move home and take a basic 9:00 to 5:00 stable job. But I knew that wouldn’t cut it, not with my past and the future I wanted. So I kept going.
Before I knew it, I began to enjoy my circumstances as they were. Instead of taking on the risk of high rent prices in California, I began to love the freedom and mobility I experienced, being able to save that money each month and sleep wherever I felt like stopping for the night. I saved “sleep spots” on my maps where I liked to sleep from Redondo Beach down to Irvine. I had favorite neighborhoods where I sold/knocked-doors from Belmont Shore and around Long Beach down to Rossmoor in Orange County. I got a gym membership and had my favorite gyms in Newport and Long Beach where I showered and worked out at the beginning of each day.
I dropped the excuses of having “no technicians available” in my area by teaching myself how to install an entire smart-home security system. It was against company rules for a sales rep to install a system, but like I said, I was learning to find solutions and accept the consequences rather than find excuses and accept not giving it my fullest effort.
I spent the summer of 2016 selling in Dallas, TX for 3 months. While it felt a bit luxurious sleeping on an air mattress on a living room floor during that time, I admit it may have only been a full 9 months cumulatively sleeping in my jeep as I returned to jeep life in CA immediately after that summer sales season ended.
I even lost the need for breakfast since I figured I could save the money and time if I just went straight to the gym and jumped right into my workout, saving my first meal until after the gym. Skipping breakfast may not always be wise, and it’s something I thought I could never live without. Breakfast has always been my favorite meal of the day and I would always think that people who skipped it were nuts. Granted, there is wisdom in consuming a healthy breakfast, and I learned that if it is to be skipped then wisdom should also be exercised in the intensity of that morning’s workout and the contents of the meal that follows. But I loved the productivity re-gained and the extra time I opened up for myself by letting go of the pre-conceived notion that something as simple as breakfast being a required meal. According to my own specific circumstances, it was not.
For dinner, I would visit the local dollar menus or make a Little Caesars pizza last multiple meals. But my favorite dinner became the “linger longer” meal on Sundays after church in Huntington Beach, where I attended the local singles ward (an LDS Church group / congregation). Not only were those meals warm and filling, but many of the members became some of my best friends still to this day. These new friends would invite me over for movie nights and cookie nights if I needed to feel at home. The bishop was so kind and understanding of everyone no matter what walk of life they came from, he was like a father away from home and I never met anyone who didn’t feel God’s love in his presence, if they gave it a chance. I learned to love not only those meals, but especially that ward and those people, and that city for that reason.
I called my daughter often and reminded her how much I loved and missed her. She’s a gem of a child, and had always been supportive of anything I’ve done professionally. I was only able to visit home twice that year, which was hard on the heart strings but helped me to stay focused.
I came up short of my total sales goal that year, but it was still a good year. What became most important to me was that I never gave up, and never said, “this is too hard, I’m going home.” I’ve always been a proponent of “doing hard things” to achieve ultimate growth, but this was a new test of will power for me. And I did it. October 2015 until October 2016, I lived in the Golden State while working harder than I’d ever worked in my life, sleeping in my jeep and letting go of all excuses. I can honestly say that it is these experiences that have pushed me to succeed in my own business now to this day.
As you might assume, I didn’t stay with Vivint in the long run, or in California, and I’m no longer living in my jeep (though sometimes I think it would be fun to do it again), but I learned so much from that year alone, homeless, and committed, letting go of all excuses, and willing to endure anything in order to achieve growth and gain experience. I realized it wasn’t the job that helped me to grow, and it wasn’t California. But it was the commitment and willingness to sacrifice comfort and endure any amount of suffering in order to succeed, that became my reward. I could’ve done that with any company, in any location. It was a decision.
A decision to let go of excuses and pride. A decision that I was finally willing to suffer any amount of loneliness, homelessness, hunger and the unknown, and let go of comforts and fears that were holding me back in order to succeed.
Most of all, I learned to be alone. I learned to let go of people, places, negative thoughts, and anything that wasn’t supportive of the man I wanted to become. I quit worrying about people who weren’t supportive of that man. As I separated myself I learned to ignore (or address with patience, if required) any negativity that followed as consequence of letting go, or what people might say or think or do. I no longer needed to fit in, or to be accepted by those people, places, or things.
I quit spending so much time on all social media outlets, and if I found myself feeling down or “not good enough” after scrolling the ‘Gram’ then I would delete the app from my phone for a week in order to remove the distraction. Due to that practice I‘m now able to sense when any amount of time spent on social media isn’t making me feel good, or if it’s not the right time (family time, friend time, business time, productive time) and am able to avoid the distraction when it’s time to be productive or with family and loved ones.
Now, if I give the impression that I no longer experience any weakness whatsoever in these areas then I would be mistaken. I no longer need anyone in specific to make me feel good enough or to make me feel liked or loved or needed, but I accept that I am human like anyone else, and we’re all here for the same reason no matter how “tough and alone” we may think we are, we all seek lasting and authentic companionship and we go about finding it in many different ways. Only now I no longer “need” that relationship if it isn’t going to be organic and natural rather than forced because of basic human instinct. I accept that it will happen naturally as I seek continuously every day to become the man I wish to become.
We all experience setbacks. We all have excuses that are holding us back. It’s how we respond to them that defines who we are, and who we will become.
I am now willing to endure those setbacks in order to become who I hope to become.
After California, I moved home unexpectedly to help my older brother with his daughter and his business (see story “Lucky 33” in The Pensieve) which became a blessing in disguise and lead to me starting my own business. I may have otherwise been too set in my ways and entrenched in my previous job to dare begin my own business. Once again, swallowing pride and squashing excuses lead to growth and experience I may have never gained had I let them win the battle in my mind.
I spent two long winters recently in Arizona gaining experience and growing my skills in landscaping. I had family nearby and a home this time, but both experiences were out of my usual comfort zone, which might have otherwise turned me away had I not previously learned that comfort is not where progress is discovered. Both experiences stretched my capacities past their known limits in the form of setbacks and daily challenges that forced me to grow or give up. Because I was willing to endure similar “uncomfortable” settings where I was not the boss, and not living and working in ideally comfortable circumstances, I learned priceless skills that are paying me back now every day in a profession that I love. More recently I learned general contracting by observing my uncle, Ken Brown, in Phoenix whom I’ve admired all my life as I’d studied architecture from an early age, and he’s one of best in the west, if you ask me. Now, I like being my own boss, so these settings were not my preferred style of work, but I am eternally grateful for the time I chose to spend under the leadership and guidance of others who had endured their own life stories and sacrifices to become who they wanted to become, and to share that wisdom and experience with me.
April of 2020 will be my first running 12 month period at home near family, running my own business, where I want to be, in nearly 15 years.
If it wasn’t for the experience of homelessness and all that I learned to endure along with it, then I doubt I would have endured my first two years running my own business and the sacrifices and demands that came along with it. It took years of trial and error, and many attempts professionally in multiple fields both as an employee and as an owner to get where I am today as a young, happy, fulfilled business owner. And it will take many more years to get where I really want to be. Likewise, I’m sure there will be many trials and failures attached to each success.
As I mentioned once before, we all have excuses, fears, and setbacks that seem to hold us back.
It is how we respond to them that defines who we are, and who we will become.
If we are willing to swallow pride and sacrifice comforts in order to overcome excuses and fears, that is where growth is found.
The Pensieve 