As I reflected back on the last 30+ years and growing up with my twin brother, I realized I overcame many fears in life by following his fearless way of living. On second thought, I wouldn’t even call him “fearless”, because he admits he has fears, but it’s more the fact that he always faced those fears.

That diving catch though, huh. Yes I wish it was me. But no, that’s my brother, Matt, at the state tournament during our senior year of high school football. He stretched out like Superman sacrificing life and limb flying after that ball like it was Lois Lane falling from a burning building, not concerned with how it was going to knock the wind out of him when he landed, belly flopping his entire body weight like a gut punch from mother earth.

And yeah, in case you’re wondering, he caught it.

But this picture isn’t just about showing off an unforgettable sports moment, though it was. It’s about the lessons I’ve learned from him since then, and even before then. I’m certain that God sends twins together into this world for a reason. And one theory that I have is that one twin needs the other during certain life phases in order to endure and overcome, and to become who they’re meant to become in this world.

You see, Matt was always the Alpha twin, and I believe I needed him in order to survive childhood, barely, and learn what I needed to become the man, husband, and father I hope to become in this world. Come on, don’t deny it, we all know a set of twins in our lives, and there’s always an Alpha. To illustrate this I often refer to certain memories of childhood experiencing Matt’s “sacrifice life and limb” attitude from my perspective. One such example is jumping our BMX bikes. We would spend hours with shovels digging pits and piling the excavated dirt around the upper ledge of said pit as a bike ramp… with a pit in the middle. It was a test of courage, and if you didn’t go off the jump, well… then you were a wuss and that was unacceptable. Yes, when I say “go off” the jump, I’m not implying that is to “land” the jump. That part didn’t matter. You just had to jump. Get some air. It was about displaying your fearlessness. Landing was optional.

Was I scared? Absolutely. But I couldn’t show it, of course, I just had to do it anyway. Why? Because Matt was doing it, of course. And I’d love to say that my memory of these occasions was one of victory… no, ladies and gentlemen… it was not. The pit was the bane of my existence on most days. Did I jump? Yes. Did I land it? Rarely… I guess that depends on how you define “land”… and where… sometimes in the pit, sometimes off the side of the ramp entirely, sometimes elbow first, sometimes on the bike itself but not with my feet on the pedals (if you can picture that, it was my least favorite landing).

But no matter how scared I was, I could not sit on the sidelines and not go off the jump because Matt was jumping without the appearance of one strand of fear, ever. Whether he landed it or not (and he wrecked some landings too) he just went off it anyways, usually full speed ahead, and that speed and confidence increased with every attempt.

He pushed me to face my fears.

Perhaps one of the most rehearsed “Alpha moments” with my brother is when a bully moved to our school in 5th grade. Before he moved in, I’d never considered that anyone would even want to fight me at school. We were tall and athletic, and I guess the option just never presented itself (except with my own brothers at home of course, like all brothers do).

The New Kid was huge. I mean, he could nearly grow a full mustache by the time the school year was ending. On the way home from school some days he’d be right behind us, making comments about how skinny we were and how we thought we were cooler than everyone. He knew that we feared him, or at least I did, so he’d push us down and jump on our backs and sit on us in front of the other kids while continuing to harass us verbally, and sometimes throw a jab to the gut or ribs.

This went on for a year, and I was really dreading going back to school in the 6th grade. Honestly I just wanted to change schools, or secretly I just wished the New Kid would move away or disappear or something awful happen to him. I know, pathetic, but I’m being honest.

Matt was tired of it though. Going into 6th grade I could see that something was different about my brother as if the Alpha mantle had finally found its place on his shoulders. Though, the New Kid didn’t bother us as much that year due to expanding his audience to less fortunate victims and he also seemed to have made some friends (which is likely all he was really seeking from us in the first place. But that’s a story for another time). So he went about pushing other kids around instead of focusing upon us, and I could see that they all felt the way I did the previous year. I was getting pretty sick of it too. We all were.

It all culminated at the “6th Graders vs. Teachers Annual Softball Game”. The game every sport-loving kid looked forward to throughout all 6 years of elementary school. We’d all watched the 6th graders play the teachers every year, and we couldn’t wait for our turn. When it finally arrived, I didn’t remember the score or who won, but I do remember Matt sprinting full speed ahead towards home plate where the New Kid was playing catcher for the teacher’s team (I can’t remember why he was on the teacher’s team, probably because he looked like a teacher). The ball was being thrown to home plate from the outfield, but Matt wasn’t slowing down. And New Kid wasn’t moving. So Matt freight-trained him. Yep. Knocked that big boy right on his butt.

New Kid jumped up ready to swing like Rocky Balboa in a fury. He came storming back towards Matt burning with rage and a bright red face to match it. Matt planted his back heel in the ground and braced for impact. New Kid went to shove him on his back like he had so effortlessly done over the previous year, but this time Matt didn’t budge. Nope, he didn’t give an inch. His back heel might as well have been planted like a tree and New Kid’s attempted blow was like sparrow flatulence on a far away limb. Matt recoiled and shoved New Kid again as if somehow he’d absorbed the energy from New Kid’s blow and doubled back a returning shove, with a little extra sauce. New Kid fell on his back again, only this time he didn’t bounce back to the fight. He got up, dusted himself off, and walked away shaking his head saying something along the lines of “What the hell is Matt so mad about”.

I don’t remember where the teachers were in all this. But I do remember never worrying about bullies again. In fact, New Kid actually became friendly after that and we’ve been cool to each other as the years have passed whenever we’ve crossed paths. I later realized that he was probably just seeking friends at a new school and “beating up the cool kids” seemed like the best way to go about it in his young mind. Regardless, I was eternally indebted to my brother. And so was everyone else. We were finally relieved of a long dark shadow that had haunted us over the previous two years at school.

Why did we wait so long? Why did we live in fear? Why didn’t we face the pain so much sooner? To be honest, I don’t know. But someone had to step up to the plate, literally. And that someone was my twin brother. And we hailed Matt as the champion of our peace the rest of the year. Seriously, it felt like the sun coming out again after a long dark winter. The bully had caused us so much anxiety for so long, and now he would never bother us again.

I still think of that day often in gratitude for Matt and what he taught me about facing fears and demons with a stiff upper lip and to never back down. I’ve become less hesitant in the face of fears and have applied that same attitude many times over the last 20+ years. It’s helped me to overcome many bullies in life, both physical and metaphysical.

Now back to this amazing catch…

I was asked to speak to the Lehi High School varsity football team earlier this season (2019), so naturally I called my Alpha bro for some snippets of wisdom, and asked him what was going through his mind when he laid out “life and limb” to catch that pass (I mean it, I keep saying life and limb because he was so high when he caught this pass that he literally bounced when he landed and couldn’t breath for a while afterwards).

He said:

“[I] expected it to be hard on that play because I had been in every play and we had just run a bunch of pass plays so I was getting tired…” …”For that reason… I decided BEFORE the ball was even snapped that I was going to go all out and dive if I had to…”

“Same thing with [New Kid] in 6th grade. At the beginning of the school year I knew at some point he would try to bully me, so I decided BEFORE school even started that I was going to fight him when that moment arrived. When it arrived, my decision was already made. So I felt confident…”

In summary:

“When we expect difficulty and mentally prepare to go all out anyway, it’s easier to confront the challenge when it arrives… [as opposed to expecting things to be easy in life and then falling into despair when they’re not]… The key is not only in the effort, but also expecting it to be hard, and deciding to put forth the ‘all out’ effort even when it gets difficult…”

Maybe you didn’t come into the world with an Alpha who pushes you to face your fears and grants you gems of wisdom like these. I am grateful for the gift of having a twin. But whether you have someone to push you or not, don’t wait any longer to overcome your fears. See how they’re holding you back from peace in life and the confidence to live free of fear again. But that peace and confidence comes at a price, and that price should never be “easy”. If it was easy there would be no bullies or challenges in life and we’d all be the same, never growing or evolving. No one would ever grow to appreciate the good without the bad. We wouldn’t know what confidence and happiness feels like without experiencing fear and pain as well. Yet the reward from overcoming fear is only achieved after we face it, and after a few gut punches from life itself, and expect it to be hard in order to evolve, we become our best selves and unlock our fullest happiness and potential in life.